By Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt
1997, 279 pages, Greenery Press, $15.95
The Ethical Slut is one of the newer “classics” in the canon of sexual self-help literature. I remember when it came out -- the title was so audacious, and such a relief to all of us who privately called ourselves “sluts” but only meant it in a descriptive (never pejorative) way. The book joyously reclaims the word “slut” “as a term of approval, even endearment,” and the word's never felt the same since. It’s what gave me the courage to start telling people that yes, Diana Dillinger is a slut, but also a very nice girl. And the love I’ve been getting ever since is both more wonderful and more plentiful than anything I’d ever hoped for.
The prevailing theme throughout is that we are NOT living in a zero-sum game or a starvation economy ‒ there is abundant and plentiful love (and sex) for all who crave it. It’s a wonderful message, sitting out there as it does among plenty of books that decry sexual addiction or promote monogamy. The message is completely positive, and supports anyone trying to develop consensual non-monogamy.
Why is the book so “on” in every respect about non-traditional lovestyles? The writers of this book, Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst, are well-known authors (see The Bottoming Book, The Topping Book, and the Compleat Spanker for more of their work) and kink scenesters. Between them, these two ladies basically span every combination of experience. From the varying perspectives of top, bottom, straight, bi, and gay, they prove over and over that kindness and good manners are really all that are separating you from living life to the hilt as a happily ethical slut.
I would say that most people who already belong to a site such as eroticsouls.com have gotten in touch with their desire to love more, so that portion of the book will probably not be quite as helpful as the sections that actually describe how to manage your partners and keep everyone involved happy. Here you can learn the skills necessary to keep your slut-life rolling merrily along. The authors describe the importance of emotional honesty, limit-setting, communication, planning and more.
One key chapter that every swinger should commit to memory is the one on dealing with jealousy. The strategies basically focus on dissipating this negative emotion. "Go for the ick," for example, instructs the reader to "work through the fears by envisioning the worst possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead. Wallow in it. Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous…Maybe you can laugh at your fears: that'll take the power out of them."
I love this tip from the same chapter:
In the face of a sudden attack by the green-eyed monster while working out an "open" relationship, feel free to have a “jelly moment” with your lover. According to the authors, this is a trick they use whenever they feel scared of insecure by their lover's casual partners. The jealous partner opens up to say, “I’m having a jelly moment,” and instead of letting it start a fight, the other partner just reacts with love and reassurance -- and then goes off on their date anyway. Brilliant!
"When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of than we would have if no difficulty had arisen in the first place."
In a lot of ways, the book is about managing our relationships once we've decided to give our individual sexuality the freedom to express itself. How do we find partners? How do we (or do we at all) introduce our children to our sexual partnerships?
Besides the chapter on jealousy, there's one on "Conflict," and it quotes Elise Matthesen's list of surefire ways to "fuck up" a relationship: Lie, blame the other person, push ("this is an art"), play on insecurity, avoid intimacy...
In every circumstance the authors suggest that openness will get you everywhere. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable -- in fact, immersing yourself in your vulnerabilities -- will make you and your relationships stronger faster. The strategy for negotiating all kinds of unconventional sexual relationships is for partners to come to agreements through compromise and openness, and then to adhere to those agreements.
I highly recommend this book to anyone trying to “love differently” and “love more.” The authors have a lot of experience in this culture and have navigated its pitfalls successfully. So don’t make your lover cry -- learn from those who have gone before you! This book is so fun, sweet, and gentle that even the most nervous lover could find things in it to reassure her. We suggest keeping a copy handy both as a reference, and as a gift to your most beloved kinky, swinging, or slutty friends.
Rock on, sluts who are ethical. We wouldn’t have you any other way.
